Something pale and pink

Gmail is down

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 17:48:44 GMT

Which is unusual. But that's okay, I'll check my email later. That's not entirely the big news.

What the big news really is is that...I cleaned up my desk and surrounding area! That's right, I can now see both the floor around my desk and the top of it! o_O You heard me. And no more hanging onto stupid receipts. I don't keep track of them, and I don't always take them after a purchase either. Why do I think it's a good idea to keep them? I highly doubt the IRS will audit a broke little girl like me anytime soon.

Also? I cleaned up the kitchen. This is less impressive news, as I do tend to get around to this one on occasion. But now it looks nice and sparkling clean! Yay! ^_^

What I'm avoiding more than anything is cleaning out the cat litter boxes and renting a carpet cleaner to clean up where Thomas peed on the rug. I won't lie, he's done it more than I've wanted him to, and I haven't taken care of it as well as I could have. The sad thing is that he starts doing this when I'm majorly depressed (which I was for a good deal of the time not too long ago) and it takes me a while to catch up with the cleanup efforts. Aaaand I've set up my property manager peoples to watch the cats while I'm away. So I'm going to get a carpet cleaner and try to clean up as best I can. *crosses fingers* (I was going to do this anyway, so here's a good excuse.)

Of course, I've put this off for two weeks and today is do or die. I won't have the time or energy after work, and I leave ass early in the morning on the 6th. And it snowed yesterday. *heavy sigh* So I'm kinda waiting for some of the snow and ice to melt. Come on snow and ice! Melt!

Speaking of cleaning, I've got this kickass old Kirby vaccuum that's a champ at getting cat hair out of the rug without being clogged. I need to clean the indent in the carpet by the patio door however, and for the life of me I can't figure out where the attachments are supposed to go on the damn thing! WTF??? It can't be the connection of the machine part to the bag, because the bag is what holds all the dust...but there's nowhere else! I am confuzzled.

Interjection:

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! I've probably ranted about this before, but here it is again. You have to hear this! 8-Bit Operators - An 8-Bit Tribute To Kraftwerk. chainedspecter, if you have not heard this/do not own this, there is something wrong with you. Everyone else (like antarellis and maybe saintx), you should really give this a listen. Unfortunately I forgot that I don't have anywhere to post MP3s right now, so I can't upload a song and link to it. So I linked to Amazon for samples of all songs on the album. Btw, this is the coolest thing evar!!!

I am trying very hard to resist playing Warcraft right now...or do anything else to procrastinate for that matter. I'm really good at this. If I really don't want to do something I'll even resort to lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. No lie!

The things you can't undo

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 20:46:32 GMT

You can't unwatch a bad movie, unsee a disturbing picture, unhear frightening sounds. You can't unlearn information of an enlightening nature. You can't undo what was done in the past.

I wouldn't trade my experience for the world at this point. I know so much more now than I did at the start. It's just the goddam memories that come with that experience are bugging me. My therapist says I'm overthinking things. She seems surprised that I haven't been able to let this stuff go, but it's not like I'm bringing it up on purpose.

I suppose part of the problem is that playing Warcraft reminds me of when I played Warcraft with Chris, which reminds me of when I was dating Chris. Doesn't matter what race I'm playing so much, or what class. I'm having so much more fun with it now that I'm on my own that I end up comparing it to how much it turned out sucking when I played with him. But besides that, I wouldn't be getting along in the game nearly as well if he hadn't been there to tell me which keys did what and so on. Which means that I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Kinda like how I wouldn't have gotten to go all those interesting places and meet all those interesting and sometimes important people if I hadn'tve been with Sager.

And, to quote my beloved Hedwig, I took the good stuff and ran.

Because emotions and relationships are all so goddam complicated, you know? It's easier to forget who taught me what I know and be angry at the people who taught it to me than it is to live with the fact that maybe I do still care (whether it's fucked up to do so or not) and that it wasn't all that bad was it.

What complicates this even further is that parts of me shifted each time to accomodate my partner, and who they were really was wonderful for a while. Sometimes this was brainwashing so that not-so-nice things were "wonderful", but there really were good traits about the guys I was with. It's just that once I get out and get my whole self back to what I know it to be on my own suddenly all of those traits either disappear or become repulsive.

And yeah, this is the kind of stuff that a lot of people go through after breakups. I know I'm not special. Except that I haven't let it go yet and it sneaks up on me unawares and makes me sad and angry and hurt. So I asked myself some introspective questions whilst in the bath yesterday to find out exactly what I was getting out of this pity party and what came to me first is that this is how I try to distance myself from what I consider to be a bad and embarassing decision. Makes sense.

What came to me second surprised me. Apparently I have a hard time letting go of the feeling of being wronged because if I do then they win. And I have to win because I'm the good guy. Well hell, it is my story and I am the protagonist. And not that "anti-hero" sort of protagonist either. Although I suppose when it comes down to it I've seen my life story for so long as a winsome, misunderstood girl thrown against the ugliness of life hoping someone would come along and help her. Which is why I get all bitter and assert my independence a lot you know. Which means that the other half of my life story is the tough, embittered girl who's seen it all and hardened herself to life just to make it through.

So when I was with these guys I was the damsel in distress and they were supposed to be my hero (only I never fully trusted that, but that's another issue I've dealt with for now), and then when I'm single I'm this tough cookie who's wise to everything and knows all the angles. Supposedly.

Aaaand if I let these guys win then it translates to me that it was my fault for letting it happen because I was supposed to know better, plus I get the added bonus of being the tragic heroine put upon by life's harsh reality. Score! It all fits together so perfectly! Neuroses FTW! Ha ha.

I need another way to untie the goddam Gordian knots in my head, because what I've been doing so far hasn't been working. Which means, I suppose, that I need to let go of winning and losing and be okay with the fact that I played the game. Sure Sager was an ass (and may still be) and Chris was...well...Chris. People are who they are, and I can live with that. It's not about them at this point, it's about who I think I am and my own attempts to save face in front of myself. Who else really cares what I did? And is it any of their business anyway? And why do I need to strongly hold myself accountable beyond all reason for honest mistakes?

And even then they weren't mistakes at the start. There really were reasons why I cared about these people and why I told them that I loved them, and not all of those reasons were bad. Not even bad necessarily, just misguided. Even so, unhealthy or not they exist and they're done and gone and over with. I really don't need to have the past define me as a person, I am who I am regardless. So maybe that's what I'll focus on.

Pfeh. And my therapist said I should write stories about these relationships and finish them with a "the end". I think I've tried to do that a couple of times already.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:50:15 GMT

Goddamit! When are we gonna hear the fucking verdit for Lewis "Scooter" Libby already!?!?!? I don't fucking care about the juror who got dismissed! I wanna know what happens to the defendant!!!!

Thoughts for the night

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 05:28:53 GMT

1. Thank Goddess It's Friday. (That's Monday to all you people with "normal" schedules.)

2. Stouffer's Skillets by Lean Cuisine are effin' awesome. I will be purchasing more. At Target. Where they're cheaper.

3. I have to clean my apartment this weekend and I don't want to. *sigh*

4. Playing a Horde character and running around Orgrimmar and The Undercity makes me feel both dirty and creeped out at the same time.

5. That's why my characters are ugly on the inside. :-P

6. My kitty cats are adorable and my phone says I love you when it turns on. No really, I made it do that.

PS - I get to go home in one week! :-D

Historical musings and anecdotes

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 18:26:02 GMT

So the other day my partner in crime told me something I find extremely funny. He was having a conversation with his "Pure As The Driven Snow" coworker the other day, and the exchange went something like this:

"I hurt my arm last night playing with my boyfriend's Wii."

*he snickers, trying hard to keep a straight face*

"What! I'm just not used to all the physical activity!"

***

Lol! Oh my.

In other news, last night I decided to apply for a credit card offered to me by my bank. I've been thinking about getting another credit card for a while and doing a balance transfer just to help me out a little bit, and I suddenly and somewhat randomly decided to go for it. I went through the process over the phone, which was good because the guy needed all sorts of information from me that I didn't have at my immediate disposal.

Well, really he just needed to know how much I make in a month. I could only find a pay stub from training which was before my weekend differential got thrown into the mix, but then I had a brilliant idea.

"Hey! I've got direct deposit. If you can take a look at my bank transactions you'll see what my current paychecks are like."

*he takes a look* "So, you play WoW huh?"

This changed the call from a simple, transactional affair to a real connection with the rep (and me, the customer). WoW is like the borg. You will be assimilated. :-P

And then, after I'd gone through the application and got off the phone I thought about the tremendous amount of money that I owe Penrose Hospital for treatment of a simple issue that would have been taken care of by a regular doctor if I'd had health insurance at the time. *grumble* They still haven't sent me any way to pay them, and they won't take a payment over the phone. WTF? Do you want your money or not? Geez.

***EDIT*** Yeah, I was declined because of that and/or other reasons. All for the better I suppose. And I guess I'll have to wait to apply again, I'm sure this will be a black eye for my credit score. Ah well.

Another thing that amuses me is that I was running around in WoW with this 16 year old kid the other day and we hit it off as friends (which is a shame because you can't really play with other people if your levels are too far apart, and I know he'll be leveling more than me). He told me that his homework assignment was to read The Nun's Priest's Tale, which is one of the boring ones. (Any of the stories told by the clergy or the nobility are boring because it was apparently the style at the time to tell parables and stories of morality and stuff.)

It felt so good to tell this kid to read The Miller's Tale and any of the commoners' stories as they are so much more interesting. The Miller's Tale is one of my absolute favorites for the level of raunchiness involved (more than you'd get from anything printed for the mainstream nowadays IMO). I really hope he reads it, which might get him interested in other literature and/or history. And now I'm trying to remember who told the other tale about the two guys who got shortchanged getting their wheat ground into flour at the mill and then proceeded to sleep with both the miller's wife and daughter and all the other hilarity that ensued. Damn but those medieval peasants were crude. :-P

I absolutely love hearing depraved stories from the past. We tend to gloss over all of it and think everything was so pristine and boring. At least, that's the impression I was given in my youth. Did you ever see some of the "porn" from the 1800s? Women squatting and lifting up their skirts revealing their lack of underwear...it's a little bit disturbing actually. And the stuff from the 20s and 30s is hilarious! These pretty young girls (again with no underwear) lifting up their skirts in the park, vapidly smiling and showing off their bums.

The 20s are just as fascinating as the 80s in my mind. Tales of excess and wild partying, short skirts and all night bouts of drinking and dancing. If you think The Great Gatsby is boring then obviously you never paid atteniton to all the parties thrown at Gatsby's house. Wow. And sure, we may think that 20s Jazz is "quaint" by today's standards, but it was about as thrilling as Punk or New Wave or Techno or Metal is today. Hell, Ragtime was rather shocking back when it was introduced.

"Oh these kids today and their music." Indeed.

And that's good, isn't it? Grand, isn't it? Great, isn't it? Swell, isn't it? Fun, isn't it?
But nothing stays... In fifty years or so it's gonna change, you know, but, oh, it's heaven nowadays!

Will we think that NIN is "quaint" 70 years from now?

And don't even get me started on the dark psycology of the 50s. "Normal" people keeping this pristine exterior while falling apart on the inside? And the Beat Generation and the Beatniks were there all the while, setting the stage for the hippies and the sexual revolution of the 60s... Just about the same as the transition from the uptight Gilded Age (which is what it was in America, you know) bursting forth into the 20s? Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

Damn. We still don't quite get Dadaism, the psychic scream in response to World War I. France lost almost an entire generation to that war. The use of Mustard Gas led to some of the policies about what weapons to use in a war that we have on the books today. Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori. Germany got the drop on Europe by using sneaky tactics with the first really capable submarines (because we sort of had them since the Civil War) and mowed all of us down with their machine guns. Our side was outraged at their guerilla tactics. Kinda like the ones we used in the American Revolution to get the drop on the British. Kinda like the ones used by the Vietcong to get the drop on us in Vietnam. Kinda like the tactics that terrorists use today to get the drop on everyone else.

And Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address in response to one of the bloodiest battles of the Civil War. The loss of life on both sides was staggering. And all the while the squalid living conditions of the tenements and slums of New York were at one of their lowest points ever. The rioters protesting the draft during the Civil War could give the rioters protesting the Rodney King verdict a run for their money.

And Harry Truman had to be the bad guy who make the decision to decimate Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs.

And I'm running around in a virtual world shaped by the tragic results of an invasion that left a scar in the earth cutting not only an island in half but a city as well, bringing a civilization to its knees. A place where the inhabitants are forced to look at their own hubris but are still trapped by the mentality from their depraved society. The Wild Party goes on to fight against the darkness, and many seem ill-equipped to face reality in a meaningful way. Art imitates life imitates art.

And those who made their fortunes in the 20s refused to see the underlying economic issues that brought about Black Thursday, which was merely the herald of the ensuing days of poverty. And Regan decimated our economy (don't think that he didn't) while the people of 80s excess partied on.

These are days of miracle and wonder. This is a long distance call. The way the camera follows us in slow-mo. The way we look to us all. The way we look to a distant constellation that is dying in a corner of the sky. These are days of miracle and wonder and don't cry baby, don't cry, don't cry.

And yet, we've persevered. There's hope. We hear of the tragic tales told of The Great Depression and The Dust Bowl, but there were people who made it through and were able to have jobs and stability. There were people who survived The Holocaust and were able to give their children a better life. There are soldiers who make it home from "The War" to their families and their lives and manage to be okay. There are couples who had great and normal sex lives during the Victorian era. We blow each other up, but we step back from the edge of Mutually Assured Destruction. We innovate for the good of mankind. We make social reforms that evolve and continue to grow. We came out of the Dark Ages of torture and prejudice against non-Christians. Every century or so we think that "The End Times" are upon us. And yet, we're still here.

History is alive just as much as stories in books and movies and even video games are alive. Eat of the fruit from the tree of knowledge and know of good and evil. But life goes on. Life always goes on. And whether I make it through times of turmoil or not, I'm going to have a damn good time while I'm doing it.

I promise, this is the last time I'll mention this

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:40:21 GMT

Okay, so I did drop the 40 bucks (and the 15 to reactivate my account) so I could play my pretty boy blood elves.

What? Don't look at me like that.

Besides, I'm having a lot more fun this time around because I get to play at my own pace and exploit my male characters as eye candy like so:

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

No really. The guys will say that when you make them talk. Seriously. How could I not be having fun with this?

Also? With a little bit of tweaking you can make Legolas.

If you really want to. Personally, I don't think Orlando Bloom is all that hot. But I'm snickering like a 12-year-old boy over doing stuff like this. I find it hilarious. And it's taking every bit of my self-restraint to post pictures of all of the 80s haristyles you can give these guys. Headbands and all. *snicker*

So, all in all, I spent close to 60 bucks for nigh-frivolous amusement. Happy Valentine's Day to me! :-P (Well, it is giving me something to do besides watching the same DVDs over and over again. And it's saving me from running out to the store and buying a couple that I've been thinking about. Although I might just do that later...)

Wow

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:38:17 GMT

And WoW.

Don't do it Rose, don't drop 40 bucks on something that you'll obsess over for a month and then drop like an ex-boyfriend. You'll find reasons to stay up past your bedtime and get no sleep for work.

No, I'll be a good little causal player! I promise! And...and...I'll get to play pretty boys! I can dress them up and give them fancy hairdos and make them dance and...

*sigh* Maybe.

Aaanyway,

By a random twist of fate I found myself invited along as a well-dressed, charming man's (that is a Smiths reference, as we are both huge fans) "date" for Valentine's dinner at The Melting Pot.

Not only did I get to have incredibly stimulating conversations about Sofia Coppola, Pulp, feminism, enjoying every single moment of life both heart wrenching and dizzyingly happy, and Nietzsche, but he paid for everything, including my martini at the heavenly bar playing The Cure that we met up at before dinner. We had Shiraz, palm of heart salad, and the usual fancy fare that only The Melting Pot can provide.

Oh. My. God.

Normally my feminist sensibilities compel me to go either Dutch or to pay for the other person myself (don't ask me why paying for them is acceptable), but every now and then I enjoy being a girl. So long as the situation seems to call for it. Which means that said person paying for my entertainment has the means and the honest willingness to do so with no tinge of obligation towards my gender. If I'm out and about with someone who has any sort of desire to court me, I will run away very far and fast if they so much as attempt to pay for my coffee.

And I had a reason to dress up in fancy clothes and wear fancy makeup.

Who could ask for more?

Well, I had a much lovelier time because I had told my partner in crime about my various neuroses tied to this greeting card holiday, and he called me first thing in the morning to wish me a happy valentine's day. I'm a simple girl at heart, and that more than any other show of affection was really all I needed.

The most amusing part of all of this is that I told him about my little "date" and how I had made sure that the aforementioned charming man was alright with taking out a girl who didn't consider herself single. (Which, in my mind, is a slightly different sentiment than actually proclaiming official attachment to a significant other.) And this phrasing opened a can of worms previously left untouched.

I'm sure I've been confusing many people on the subject as the way I speak to some gives the impression of official attachment and the way I speak to others is ambiguous enough to give the impression of non-attachment. And what it's really boiled down to on my side of the fence is this: I had the realization that my dating anyone else would always come with a tinge of regret due to the feeling of giving something up or settling, which is not the most ideal of circumstances to become involved with anyone. Especially since any time I am in a relationship I tend to think twice about it when said partner in crime comes around.

And suddenly the world and all the things I'd previously done fell away. Clarity came to me, and I knew that any attempts to become involved with anyone other than the person I wanted would be foolhardy and ultimately hollow. So, regardless of my percieved status of "single", I made a conscious choice to be unavailable to anyone except the person I wanted. Regardless of whether or not he wanted anything more than friendship from me. And I finally got the chance to explain this to him as he has seemed to find it unfathomable that I would actually feel this way without any promting from him.

I am a very lucky girl indeed.

*sigh* My annual plundering of the chocolate aisle will have to wait. My headache came back on the other side of my neck/head and I am exhausted from too many late nights and the consumption of alcohol. I think I shall take a soak in the bath to recover as my parents sent me very thoughtful valentines including a stockpile of Lush bath bombs.

A Woman Obsessed

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 22:59:09 GMT

I'm feeling better today, thank goodness. And part of that is because tokalla and onivixen were gracious enough to let me play WoW on their computer for a little while.

Why?

Anniversary

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 18:58:54 GMT

I think it's official; I hate Valentine's Day.

Not only am I assaulted by store displays of overly cutesy and useless stuffed animals, sappy cards, and tacky chocolates; not only am I haunted by years of dissapointment made better only by family dinners and trinkets from my mother; not only have I built up defenses against being let down to the point where I simply go out and buy things for myself because I don't ever believe anyone would have the wherewithal to get me anything that I would like (although I've been proven wrong on occasion)...I've had a fucking breakdown for three years running now.

Last year and the year before I was given a few days' grace where I could go out and enjoy the spoils of war. I rather enjoy plundering the sales on chocolate and roses the day after, capitalizing on the overstocking created by the business sense to keep the aisles full to ensure consumer confidence.

I'm sure most everyone knows the stories. The breakup two years ago that shattered my psyche where I later had to endure a traditional Valentine's Day dinner with my family that I couldn't stop crying at. (I got over it soon enough to begin my new and bitter tradition though.) The breakdown that I had a few days after my triumphant return from the hunt last year that finally caused me to snap, quit my shitty job, and run away to the mountains to clear my head. I've told these stories to my therapist, who understands completely the pattern and calls it an anniversary. "We'd better watch out for February then," she said. I have to wonder if she planned it on purpose that my next appointment with her is on Valentine's Day.

So this year I develop a fucking headache. Two days running I have it. These are usually the sign that something is upsetting me and I'm not conscious of what it is, but I couldn't for the life of me figure it out. I love my job, the wonderful boy in my life couldn't be upsetting me in the least, life's been pretty fucking good. It didn't even occur to me that I'd have an "anniversary" this year. WTF?

Only I'm at Target last night with tokalla, and he starts telling me things that have to do with how much he adores his daughter. And rightly so. He and onivixen make awesome parents. But stupid me with my stupid issues. I suddenly remember something from my own childhood involving my father (who could almost be a polar opposite to tokalla's parenting style) and *snap*. I'm looking intently at the floor trying very hard not to start sobbing in the checkout lane.

I should have told him in the car and just let the waterworks flow, but no. No, I had to decide that I didn't feel like talking about it. So later we get into an argument over this stupid video that someone made to show off the dancing in WoW, and I hate arguing with anyone but my dad. I'm used to it with him because yelling at each other feels normal. Plus I'm sure onivixen was not very appreciative of waking up the baby. (And I'm also sure that the baby didn't like it either.)

I decide to rush out the door, close to tears over the fact that I just took my best friend to the point of actually yelling at me, and I realize that I've really just been upset in general and I can't even explain why. Apologies are made, and I simply can't handle the possibility of having a breakdown in neither the apartment nor the stairwell. So I sit in my car and I can't stop crying enough to drive for a good five minutes. Part of me doesn't understand why I'm crying, and part of me is overwhelmed by years of being broken-hearted, let down, and suffering the feeling that no man will ever love me, especially my father (although I've been working through these issues fairly well so far). I still broke into tears several times on the way home.

And then from out of nowhere it started snowing heavily. It felt so surreal. And The Cure came on the radio. It was Lullaby, which didn't really echo my mood much, but it seemed to fit. So I sat in my car, watched the snowflakes fall, and listened.

***

I felt like hell when I woke up this morning, considered the possibility of having chocolate cake for breakfast, decided I wasn't hungry, and even now can't stop bursting into tears every now and then. And of course my headache went away.

I'd like to be all pissy and grumble about how this better not last through Thursday. I'd like to be optimistic and say that since writing this I feel better (and maybe I really do). But it's hard to fight the urge to be alone and sniveling and miserable. The overcast sky helps, and it's just easier to continue to feel like hell. Even if I know there's life after February.

I fucking hate Valentine's Day.

The blogosphere's all lit up like a Christmas tree!

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 00:57:22 GMT

I mean, if NPR put it into its regular news update. During All Things Considered even! Right before news updates about Scooter Libby's trial!

Now, I'm not criticizing NPR for reporting it. They also have reports about upcoming movies, the Oscars, and the Superbowl.

It's just making me wonder about the kind of a world we live in where reports of Anna Nicole Smith's death are this important.

They did refer to her as a "tabloid personality", probably to display their grudging acquiescence to report the news. Or maybe they wanted to, but needed to make themselves look better in their listeners' eyes. According to them, the most important thing she ever did in her life was meet her now-deceased rich husband while working as a stripper. She's been famous for being famous after all.

And much as I've been making a few jokes, snide comments, and speculations, I also feel sorry for her. She came from apparently white trash circumstances, but the kid was making good. She went from stripper to Playboy Playmate to model for Guess, H&M, and Lane Bryant. And models may not always be the prettiest of people on the inside, but believe it or not it does take talent and skill to pose for pictures. She could have had class. She could have been a contender.

And then it all went wrong. *sighs and shakes head*

She was pretty damn young for up and dying so suddenly.

Painting accomplished!

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 15:20:15 GMT

OMG this was so much fun! And it turned out almost exactly how I wanted!

It's darker than I planned, and the gold is more transparent than I thought it would be, but all in all it's still pretty frickin cool. I take back everything I said about acrylics. These are lovely and mostly matte, and so gorgeous to work with! All I needed was red and blue with a smidge of yellow. This is also why it's darker than I'd planned to an extent. The red I picked up was "carmine red hue" which is more orange than I wanted, and I had to add a bit of blue to everything. But I just took it all and rolled with it. I love you Winsor & Newton!

It's a cd cover by the way.

Not much went on with this one. Occasionally I find myself having work dreams where I'm trying to explain something to a customer on the phone. This one had a twist though. I was walking by an office in the mall (that had the open entryway and huge signs like discount shoe stores do) which was hiring. It seemed to be something different than what I'm doing now, and for whatever reason I decided I wanted a change. So I went in and got the job and suddenly I realized I was working for Verizon (one of my company's competitors)! I looked around and saw signs featuring their slogan, which had something to do with "One" (which is not their current slogan but I'll be amused if this turns into their slogan). I began to get a little uncertain, but I still rationalized that I'd be doing different work than what I'd been doing as in my dream the company did more than just cell phone service. In fact, the trainer there kept insisting this was so. And yet, as I approached the time when we'd start training I saw notes about taking calls on the phone written on the blackboard! And the classroom was just as ghetto as my real life old job (the one at the other call center). Oh, we're still in the office in the mall by the way.

And suddenly, amongst the people milling about, I see my trainer from my real-life current job. I go up to her and tell her what I've done and that I didn't mean to go to work for a different call center and that I wanted back to work for her company again. Despite the fact that I told her I hadn't even turned in a letter of resignation yet she was very matter-of-fact and cheerfully told me to simply apply again, which was what I didn't want to go through the effort of doing again. And that's about all I remember.

Much better than my dream last night, which left me feeling terribly unsettled and off balance all day. I didn't feel like going out or even showering and getting out of my bathrobe.

First, I made an embarassing blunder

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 16:45:06 GMT

Although I may have been the only one to realize it. Well, see, there's this great song from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack that I'm sure at least some of you know...

It was one of my very favorites, but I haven't really heard it since I was a mere 18-year-old in short pants. So I mis-quoted my LJ cut. It's fixed now, though. Although I wonder if anyone else will still get the reference. Trust me, this soundtrack was the thing to listen to back in '97/'98.

And now,
So I can't remember how I got to this situation, although there were things going on before the parts I do remember. I think they were much nicer than the rest. Anyway, so I'm hanging out with these people who I suppose are my friends, and somehow (I don't remember the conversation) one of the guys tells me he wants to have a child. So I say I'll have one for him, and he can take care of it.

Somehow, one of the other guys in our group says he wants to get in on this whole sleeping with me thing, although it's not to have a kid. The tone of it was more like a mix of he wanted to sleep with me and he was some sort of spot for the other guy? I don't know. Anyway, the entire process was both clinical and had the feeling of teenagers sneaking around so they wouldn't get caught. There was a nurse (who didn't look like a traditional nurse, just had to get that in there), and the two guys. After some clumsiness, the one who wanted to have the child managed to do his thing. It hurt, but was somewhat pleasurable at the same time, and it was over way too quickly. (The other guy didn't manage to get any, so he left.) I asked the first guy if he was finished, because I was somewhat unsatisfied, but he said yes and the nurse implied to me that that was just how it was and I wouldn't get to be finished off myself (even though by her body language I thought she might be willing to do the job).

Well, that being over with, somehow I had the baby. I don't remember how, but suddenly she was there. And she was developing very rapidly. Both the father and I were commenting on it. She was still a baby, but trying to speak and do other things that newborns don't do. We were in someone else's house at this point. We didn't live there, but the feeling was that the father and the kid were just hanging out there all the time. I decided to walk off, maybe to leave (as I wanted no part in raising the little one) when my mother came by asking me where the baby was and why I wasn't taking care of her (she was a little girl). She made me feel guiltier than I wanted, and I tried to explain to her that I had an agreement with the father where he would keep the baby and I would go on with my life. My mother seemed to acquiesce, but I don't think she was entirely pleased.

So I go into the other room and see that my daughter has become an actual little kid running around with her father and talking and everything. I felt no attachment to either of them, and I became upset and felt guilty about it, thinking that if this little girl had stayed a baby for longer I may have actually bonded with her. (And I suspect some of this was guilt induced by my mother.) After that I wandered off again into another room and realized that I didn't want to be in the house or spend time with the people in it (there were more than just the guy and the little girl) and I didn't really have to stay. So I went to tell my mother I was leaving, and she told me I should go say goodbye to the guy and the little girl. I had completely forgotten about them, but I figured it was a good idea. So I go to find them, but I can't. There's other people around, but I wander from room to room until finally I find the father and daughter running around together playing games. The guy tells me that he's been acting like a little kid because of his daughter, and that they'd been running from room to room trying to find me.

And then one of the inhabitants of the house (who looked kind of like my friend Ronnie) said that we'd all order out for dinner in an attempt to get me to stay, which I did. We decided on what we wanted, and then I was in a car with someone who started out being one person and then turned into my dad when I mentioned that I wanted to get a drink consisiting of a shot of Kaluah and a certain brand of rum. (He'd decided to get a drink as well, which gave me the idea.) He looked at me funny, and I had the feeling it had something to do with me being a new mother, but he was voicing surprise at the strange sounding drink. I insisted that it was perfectly normal, and was considered a coffee drink.

We came back with the food and the beverage, and I was looking for my drink when I woke up.

This one disturbed me rather muchly. Mostly because I don't want to have a baby, I only did so as a favor to a friend, and even though I didn't have to have responsibility for the child everyone expected me too. Grr. I'll bet these are merely dreams induced by the periodic hormonal imbalance I go through. But still...

Stuff and things

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 04:02:16 GMT

I had a dream last night that I had a lot of different chocolate cakes. Well, they were all the same type of chocolate cake (that rectangular cake with the glossy chocolate icing and the white trim that you can only get at a grocery store), but I had a lot of them. I was cutting a piece out of each one because I had so many and I wanted to eat a piece of all of them. I wasn't really hungry, it was more of a comfort food thing. Or maybe a food addiction thing. I just wanted to sit by myself and eat all that cake. But stuff kept happening and I only got to eat a piece of the "spoiled" cake. It was older than the rest, and had the consistency and taste of rotten fruit when it was in my mouth. (Wisely, I put that one aside.)

Part of what was interrupting me from eating my cakes was my training status in my temple. I was only at the first level, a neophyte in some sort of magic I believe, so when the neighboring warriors came by to attrack bringing their own initiates (who still hit pretty hard) I was told to run and hide in the front closet (the one with the wooden-slatted doors like you see in most apartments). I crouched in the dark, knowing that this was deadly serious and also a mere formality and a game of sorts. No one was really going to hurt me given my status, but I still didn't want them to find me.

And then someone started banging on the closet door trying to break it. I saw a blue light shine through (like the blue light in the eyes of some of the warriors, who looked rather Annubis-like), and I prayed the door would hold out despite the fact it was made of flimsy wood. Suddenly the door was pulled open and rather than Annubis-like warriors come to get me it was...the pastry fairy with a sugar plum hat and everything! She said she was going to help me with my baking. I wondered about the wisdom of attempting to bake in the living room while there was fighting going on just 'round the corner, but I felt like it would be okay if I was with her. Of course, I woke up right there.

I've been remembering a lot more dreams since I've been on my medication. It's kinda neat except when I don't feel like I've gotten any sleep. Obviously I haven't been writing all of them down. Some of them have featured my sweetheart (all G-rated thank-you-very-much) and one of them had his sister-who-is-my-friend in it as well. Odd stuff.

Aaanyway.

So I bit the bullet and bought some acrylic paint today. I've been wanting to paint for a while, and I'd considered breaking out of my preferred paint medium, which is gouache. Although I probably use it all wrong. Not like I care. However, I suddenly got nervous with the idea of acrylics. They're so...glossy...and...plastic...and...well...glossy! I feel so comfortable with the brilliant color and matte finish that only gouache can provide (because I don't think you're supposed to be using watercolor in the same way). However...acrylic was very much cheaper than gouache. And I've been thinking of something I want to do, and I see it in my head with that damn gloss that only acrylic can provide. (Well, oils too, but I dare not tread into the land of non-water-based paint.) So...so I'm going to try to paint this weekend. We'll see how it goes. Winsor & Newton don't fail me now!

And I just got wind of my 10th year high school graduation. I promised Solona I'd go. I hope that I can. (Hey, it's an excuse to visit home again anyway.)

PS - a neat side effect of my job is that I've suddenly begun to type really fast again, and I've become wicked quick on the draw with my mouse too! Neato! Next thing you know, I'll be using Alt+Tab to shift between my windows (although there is no need for that with my superior Firefox browser).

An unfortunate side effect of my job is trying to shut down my computer by hitting Ctrl+Alt+Delete. The task manager really isn't where you go to shut your machine down. Not so much.

Ahahahahaha!

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:05:11 GMT

Suck it bichtes! Weekend differentials rule!

Who checked their balance online this morning after her direct deposit went through!

*does endzone victory dance*

And then he ran into my knife...

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 04:20:44 GMT

He ran into my knife ten times. *wicked grin*

OMG, I've been obsessed with watching Chicago over and over again. Especially Cell Block Tango. This is an amazing musical number, and I'm fascinated by the dancing. I can't stop watching it. (I love the song itself too.) Oh my god, if you haven't seen this yet I entreat you to watch it. This is simply amazing.

And the best thing about this musical in general is that the lead actors do all their own dancing and singing. No, really, they do. I just watched the commentary. *grins*

I didn't call

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:20:18 GMT

But I sent a text. (I keep wanting to refer to text messages as sms...hazard of working with cell phones all day.)

saintx posted this first. I think it's pretty neat.

PS - I recommend a call. Texts are usually 10c to send and recieve unless you have some sort of bundle.

Survey goodness

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 17:08:52 GMT

I got this from lesmcclaine, who got it from someone I don't know. It is very much fun.

FAST FOOD
1. What is your favorite fast food place to eat at?

Arby's. It's all about the Jamocha Shake. Or Wendy's. Wendy's fries are the best.

2. Are you one of those types who hates fast food, so you answered the last question none? If so, go back, pretend that you were being FORCED to eat at a fast food restaurant and you HAD to pick one. Nobody is making you fucking eat it. If you're going to be like that, this is going to be a LONG survey.

Whilst I do have fast food establishments I enjoy on occasion, I tend to avoid them now as usually I get hungry again soon after I eat at one of them (Except for Sonic. Sonic's pretty good about that) and I'd rather eat healthier "real food" anyway.

3. What is the fast food place you avoid like its got the clap (maybe because it does)?

Buger King. Their french fry recipe? WTF!

4. What is a fast food place that you haven't been to but you wanna?

Carl's Jr. I apparently went to one on a family trip to Yosemite once, but I don't remember and they remind me of California (even though there are a couple out here.)

5. How about one you haven't been to in a while and miss?

Quiznos. They make toasty subs.

6. Have you ever worked in fast food?

Oh hell no.

7. This one time I saw a guy pull all the pickles out of his double cheeseburger, save them for last, then cut them with a knife and eat them with a fork. Do you have any stupid ass rituals with your food?

I eat the fries first because cold fries suck ass.

SLOW FOOD
8. Do you eat a lot of something other people think is gross?

Not a lot, but I make odd sammiches like peanut butter, jelly, and dark chocolate shavings. Or leftover thanksgiving turkey and whipped cream sammiches. (It's gotta be that hand-whipped cream, not the stuff that comes out of a spray nozzle.)

9. What is your favorite meal?

Ooooh...too many to name. But I will say that I ♥ eating at my parents' house. Dad's an awesome cook.

10. Any food allergies?

Not that I know of yet, although runny eggs make me gag.

11. Do you find yourself regreting eating food from street vendors?

Nope. Pretzels on the streets of New York just have to be eaten, and there's nothing like a good hot dog or brat when you're walking back to the car after a night of drinking and clubbing.

12. How awesome is Alton Brown?

The man rocks! \m/ \m/

13. How awesome is Rachel Ray?

Who?

14. Allez cuisine?

What now?

15. Are there any animals whose flesh you have not yet feasted upon that you'd like to try?

Venison. Venison and buffalo. And maybe pheasant.

ETIQUETTE
16. You've stepped in something, you check your shoe, do you bend your leg backwards and look, or do you stop and lift your foot up forwards and look?

Forwards, although I have to steady myself so I don't lose my balance.

17. When passing people in movie theater type seating situations, do you give the ass or the crotch?

Umm...I try to do neither, but it's probably closer to the crotch.

18. Do you squeeze out farts on buses or subways if you know you can make it quiet?

I try not to, but sometimes you just gotta.

19. Have you ever maked humps where you knew other people were going to sit/lay/touch?

Umm...I have no idea what "maked humps" is.

20. Lets pretend a bathroom is adjacent to a room in which there are many people. Do you try to disguise the sounds of your deluge?

Ohh man. I have to work really hard to tune everyone else out and pretend they can't hear me. This wasn't always the case, but my anxiety stepped up around the time I was 22 or so.

NERDS
21. Do you know what LARPing is?

*sigh* Yes.

22. Do you know what fanfic is?

I wish I didn't sometimes.

23. Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?

Of course! And old school World of Darkness before they fucked everything up.

24. Did you know that Fantasy Football is basically Dungeons and Dragons mixed with LARP and fanfic?

Why no. I tend to tune out most sports-related things.

25. Everyone is a nerd of something. Anything you express a heightened interest in, or know more about than most people, you are a nerd of. Of what subjects are you a nerd, and to which degree (mild/moderate/acute)?

I'm a moderate astrology nerd, a mild tarot card nerd (I read 'em, but I'm not well studied in 'em), a mild history nerd...um...I think there's a few more but I can't remember them.

DEATH
26. Ever know anyone who died?

Yeah, but no one terribly close to me.

27. Ever see a dead person?

Yup. My Great Uncle Peach. From afar anyway.

28. Ever TOUCH a dead person?

Why?

29. The last funeral you've been to?

My Great Uncle Peach's actually. Funniest funeral ever by the way. Ask me about it sometime.

30. Believe in ghosts?

Well...I'd like to, but there's so much different speculation about them and I have a stronger belief in reincarnation...

PIE
31. What is your favorite kind of pie?

Cherry. :-P

32. Least favorite?

Cow.

CAKES
33. Do you enjoy baking cakes?

I'd love to try from scratch sometime as box mixes don't count.

34. Do you wish people would give you things they've hidden by baking it into a cake and then giving you that cake?

Possibly. As long as I don't break my teeth.

COOKIES
35. Favorite kind of cookie, quick!

The chocolate chip cookies that I learned how to make from my dad.

36. Do you bake cookies from scratch or do you buy packaged mixes?

Are you crazy? From scratch of course.

AMINALS
37. So, how many pets have you had in your life, and if the number is a positive integer, how about you just name them and say what they were?

Greta the white family cat who ran off into the wilds of California never to be seen again, Midnight the black family cat who died on my 24th birthday, the fish that I had in a freshwater aquarium (guppies and glassfish and a bottom-feeder catfish looking thing to help keep the tank clean), my dad's saltwater aquarium that caught fire and forever frightened me of my own aquarium, Thomas who is my nancy-boy tuxedo cat, and Sephira who is my little tiny tabby cat.

38. Ever been bitten or mauled?

My brother's gerbil bit me once, and my cats nip at me when they're either hungry or I'm singing.

39. Ever been pooped on by an aminal?

*grumbles* Damn gerbils.

VIDEO GAMES (skip this part if you don't play any, in the meanwhile get with the times why don't you)
40. What video games do you own or have owned in the past?

8-bit NES stuff (Tetris rocks!), SNES stuff (both Final Fantasy games of course), Playstation 2 (to finally play Chrono Trigger again and for DDR), an emulator to play other SNES games on my 'puter, and *weary sigh* WoW.

41. Do you consider yourself a "gamer?"

Not in the video game sense, and not anymore in any sense really.

42. Have you been down with bootin' up since Sierra games?

Not really. Although I did beat Marble Madness and Bubble Ghost on our old Commodore 64 Amiga.

43. How do you pronounce "pwn" if you were to, for some reason, speak it aloud?

"Own". Anything else sounds dumb.

44. Can you fit a map-sniffing dog in your pocket?

Well, I assume this is a game reference, so I'd have to say...theoretically?

45. What game are you afraid to play alone in the dark?

Fatal Frame. Oh, and any of the Silent Hill games. *shudder*

TEH INTIROWABS
46. Do you hate the internet?

Only when I'm exposed to annoying online communities where everyone is an asshole, makes fun of everything else in a mean way, and thinks they're hot shit when they're not.

47. Do you know what Goatse is?

Who doesn't at this point?

48. Who is the top person in your Myspace friends?

I forgot and had to check, but it's Amy. :-)

49. Is this person your boyfriend or girlfriend?

No, my partner in crime doesn't believe in having any sort of internet presence.

50. Can you type like a human being?

I wish more people would.

51. Can you type with one hand?

Yeah, although it's pointless not to put my sandwich down when I'm not eating it while I'm typing.

52. Was the last question a masturbation joke?

*blush* Oh my, I haven't thought about that in years...

WICKED PERSONAL TYPE SHIT
53. What is your full ass birth name?

Erika Marjorie Crowe

54. Do you like it?

Well, I hated Erika so much due to pre-teen angst that I took on the moniker of Rose back in high school. My grandma insists on Erika only, any official type stuff causes me to use Erika, and a couple of boys I have been intimate with will use it for various reasons, so I guess I don't mind it so much anymore.

55. Did your parents ever tell you what you were going to be named instead, like if you were the oppostie sex?

Not really, but I would assume it would have been Thron, which is my brother's name.

56. Do you have an up to date nickname (that is, excluding baby names or things your grandparents used to call you, etc)?

Is "Miss Rose" or "Miss Rose, the Fabulous" up to date?

57. Does anyone call you anything that annoys you?

When Sager called me Erika it bugged me, and I feel like I'm feuding with my Grandma at times.

58. What color are your eyes?

Blue, gray, and sometimes green.

59. Are your eyes effed up and you have to use corrective lenses?

Glasses make me look hot.

60. Did you know that if you wear contact lenses, technically, you are a cyborg?

I never thought of it that way.

61. Do you ever wish your eyes were a different color?

Sometimes I wish they'd just stay blue, but I think multi-colored eyes are kinda neat.

62. What color is your hair?

Dark brown.

63. Do you prefer your hair long or short?

Umm...I don't know what's considered short or long on a girl.

64. Ever dye your hair, and if so what colors?

Ah memories. In chronological order: auburn, black, a bleached strip, bleached to a reddish-gold, Punky Colors red, back to the original reddish-gold, purple for graduation, a strange mix to try to be black so I could go to work the next day, and henna every now and again for some auburn highlights(full circle, wouldn't you say?).

65. Speaking of colors, "The colors, Duke! The colors!" Do you know what thats from?

Um, no.

66. Which Ninja Turtle is your favorite? Now, before you ask, NO, no other characters count. I said Ninja Turtle, I mean Ninja Turtle. Not Splinter or Irma. And in case you're retarded or something, here is a guide to make you look less stupid.
-Leonardo - Blue - Swords - Leads
-Donatello - Purple - Staff - Does machines
-Raphael - Red - Sai - Cool but crude
-Michelangelo - Orange - Nunchaku - Party dude

Well, I had a crush on Donatello, but Raphael was the bad boy... *wistful smile*

67. Okay, back on track. How tall are you when you're not slouching in front of a computer?

About 5'8" minus the boots.

68. How much do you weigh, if you're not so bashful to say?

180 *grumbles*. I want to get back down to my "fighting weight" of 170 (although 160 or 150 would be rather nice too).

69. Do you have any stupid human tricks, like doing the splits, or putting your feet behind your head, stuff of that nature?

I can cross my eyes and do that weird thing where you move one and then move the other, and I can wiggle my ears.

70. If, as a little kid, you met yourself as you are now, would little you be disappointed?

Naw. I think I'd be rather pleased at how I turned out for the most part.

71. Would you consider yourself an active or healthy individual?

ROFLMAO!

72. What is a major negative aspect about your personality, as far as you can tell?

Oh I'd say I get too jealous, too clingy, too insecure, too socially anxious, and sometimes I feel like I'm hogging the spotlight.

73. Would you/art thou trying to change them?

Meds help with the anxiety and the need to be clingy. I'm making great progress in believing in myself and believing other people when they say that I'm awesome and pretty. Unfortunately I still feel like I hog the spotlight, which is a side-effect of the loss of anxiety and insecurity. And while I tone down the jealousy when I can, it still flares up sometimes. Oh, did I mention I'm a recovering codependent?

74. Are you a Sensy? (Sensy = sensitive person)

Yeah...

75. Do you cry easily?

Sometimes. Especially when I'm quitting smoking.

76. When was the last time you cried?

The other day, over my missing muse.

77. What was the last movie that made you cry?

Edward Scissorhands, because I watched it recently.

78. Are you a funny person?

I try and I think I succeed.

79. Do you have funny friends?

Yup. Can't do without funny friends.

80. Who makes you laugh the most?

Matt. *smiles* He always makes me laugh the most.

81. Do people ever accuse you of not having a sense of humor?

Nope, although I do take things too literally at times.

82. Do you ever make jokes that are ill-timed or in poor taste?

Yeaaaah...I usually shy away from the line and then make a sudden leap way beyond it.

83. What song do you have stuck in your head, or is the last one to get stuck in your head?

"Plainsong" by The Cure.

84. Are you currently occupied?

What, like, in the bathroom? How would I be filling this survey out then?

85. I meant do you have a job, are you being employed, not like... are you being occupied by an invading army, or is your time being taken up by a survey. Just to clarify. What is your current occupation?

Ohhh... Yes, yes I am. I am a customer care representative for the best company to work for in the whole world. :-D

86. What other jobs have you had in the past?

Movie theater employee, tarot reader, custom art framer, gift store employee, marketeing and graphic design girl, and "temp".

87. What is your dream job/career? What do you want to be when you grow up, basically?

I wanna be a writer.

88. What was the last movie you saw in the theater?

Marie Antoinette.

89. Did you like it?

Kiersten Dunst. Louis XVI's court. 80's soundtrack. Sofia Coppola. Dollar theater. 'Nuff said.

90. Have you ever walked out of a movie, if so what was it?

No, but I've walked out of the room on some dvds. Most remembered one was the one before Meet the Fockers. You know, that one where Ben Stiller meets his fiancee's family and "all hell breaks loose"? So not funny.

91. Do you theater hop?

No, but I've always wanted to. I've just been too chicken.

92. Have you ever farted on someone accidentally?

No, but I've farted in someone's general vicinity accidentally.

93. Have you ever farted on someone on purpose?

Grr. No, but Chris did it to me on purpose and it pissed me off. Why did you have to remind me of that? Now I'm all angry.

94. You are a horrible and gross person. Yes, regardless of how you answered those last two questions, I stand by my opinion. I hope you get in a car accident. Have you ever been in one?

Not counting little taps that don't result in damage, yes. Three.

95. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?

I don't wear pants.

96. So, you got any tattoos?

Yup.

97. Ever think about getting any/any more?

I'd love to someday. But I need to get my first one touched up before I do.

98. How about piercings, got any of those?

Yep.

99. Second verse, same as the first, think of getting any/any more?

Aw, I wish I'd done it earlier. Now I feel too old to get my nose ring back or have ears full of metal.

100. Do you think 100 questions is a good place to stop?

We've done a hundred?

101. How did you like this survey?

Better questions than most.

102. I write totally good surveys, don't I?

Sorry, I'm not going to feed your ego like that.

Finally, I have a real cashmere sweater!!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 15:53:26 GMT

I had to get my girly girl on yesterday so I made the 54 minute trek to the Fanciest Mall Evar!!

How fancy is this mall?

See that? See that? It's a fireplace, baby. A friggin fireplace in the mall!

And that's not the only one. There's another one in the food court. I didn't make it to the other end of the mall to see if there's one in front of whatever store was down there. (Although, Nordstrom may have monopolized the fireplace action since, well, it's Nordstrom.)

The game plan (and most of the reason for the trip) was to hit up Anthropologie to see what they had on sale and to check out all the clothes that look pretty-pretty online. Plus, I had a gift card from Ann Taylor that I figured I'd cash in while I was there as I needed a new skirt to wear to work. Ann Taylor always has something on sale. :-)

However, before I left I had to prepare for battle. The mall is a war zone, and so long as you go there to buy clothes (and maybe even if you want to window shop) you need to go in with enough shielding to protect your self esteem against scores of clothes that don't fit when you think they should and being surrounded by skinny, "pretty" girls with perfect makeup and the ability to look good in the latest styles no matter how stupid they look. My battle gear? Flattering underwear and clothes that I always feel pretty in. My war paint? All of the eyeshadow colors that I got from M.A.C. last year, a subtle lip gloss, and actually styling my hair instead of going "au natural". I had also taken a nice long soak in a sensual bubble bath before I left, so I was armed and ready.

As I walked through the doors I felt a sense of inner peace that I have been without for these many, broke months. I hit up Ann Taylor first, and after trying on about five skirts I found one that would not only suit, my gift card paid for all but a buck fifty of the price. Rock on! The skirt came with a belt, which I told the lady that I wouldn't really want to use. She suggested that I wear a tunic shirt and wear the belt over that, which I considered, but figured I'd probably never do. (As an aside, I think I freaked the lady out by my enthusiasm for finally being in a nice mall after being subject to the lackluster malls that populate Colorado Springs.)

Okay, one store down. Time to hit the sale room in Anthropologie. I walk in, I browse around, and... Nothing. Nothing interesting whatsoever! Plus they didn't have nearly as much of the fancy-fancy that I saw online. Even if I couldn't afford them I would have loved to try on some of the neat looking newer clothes. For some reason everything they had in stock was from the designers that have fallen victim to the trend of making people look as ugly as possible. So no dice on finding anything worth wearing. I left with a sense of utter dejection.

But I didn't come all this way just to shop in a store I could have gone to in Colorado Springs. I thought I'd give the sale racks at Banana Republic a try. They're rather hit-or-miss as their clothes oscillate between awesome and a little bit too trendy. But I was well rewarded for my efforts. I found another skirt, my cashmere sweater (*happy happy noises*), and a new pretty dress marked down to $30 from $168. Jackpot!!!! And the luckiest synchronicity of the day? Remember that belt from Ann Taylor?

Okay, so that cashmere sweater is basically tunic-style. I wasn't quite sold on it as it made my form a shapeless blob of ugly. And I don't care if it's cashmere or not, I refuse to wear anything that doesn't flatter my figure. And then I remembered the belt! I put it on, checked myself out in the mirror, and it was just the thing I needed to make the baggy sweater turn into one of the coolest outfits ever. It was a must-have.

And as I returned triumphantly home from the hunt, I got to take in the nearly-full moon illuminating the snow that blanketed the ground around me and spotted the surrounding mountains. Some things are so beautiful that you just have to pause to take them in. Even if you're in a moving vehicle speeding down the interstate and blasting "Bring It".

Deus Ex Machina

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 17:27:53 GMT

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ CNN
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology
__ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry
__ Playboy/Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea leaves __ EST
__ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert __ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife
__ Other: ___________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=satisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5;
famine 1 2 3 4 5;
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5;
war 1 2 3 4 5;
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5;
plague 1 2 3 4 5;
spam 1 2 3 4 5;
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5;
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5;
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5;
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5;
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5;
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5;
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5;
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5;
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6,023,000,000 depending on number of beings entered).

It's a beautiful, sunny morning...

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 17:12:52 GMT

Would you believe it's 17 degrees outside? Yeesh. :-P

I'm going home!!!

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 13:27:17 GMT

After all this time of pining away for the heat and humidity at sea level I finally have a date for a real vacation!!!! I get a whole week off! I haven't had a whole week off since that one time in high school when I worked at the movie theater. No, my two months of unemployment don't count.

So, now I have the quandry of so much to do and so many to see. Uh oh. I have Ronnie and Daniel to visit, my brother's birthday party/pig roast to be at, I'd love to drop in on my friends Tony and Lisa if they're in town, I might have to hold court at Stardust (or at least go out for a night of darts) and so much shopping to do! (Publix, here I come!)

*sigh* And all I really want is to be kidnapped by my partner in crime for most of the week. (Are we using the gender-friend words yet? I'm not sure...) He's been so sweet lately, and I'm not used to it at all. He would do little things here and there when we were together in a loose fashion before, but he wouldn't ever say anything about it. He never wanted me to say anything about it. And now he actually says he misses me, and other sweet things. He calls me, which he very rarely did before. I am so confused by this recent showing of affection. Not to say I don't like it, but still...

And sometimes I wonder...I've been waiting for a long time for him to say that he wanted me to be with him, and I don't think he ever will say it outright. So I'd always run off and get into other relationships and sleep with other boys to get over it. I asked him why he said what he did the last time I tried to tell him how I felt. He wouldn't say an outright "no" to me so far as the possibility of a relationship, he'd only say it was a bad idea. And it was because I was leaving. I was sort of waiting for him to "come back" to me in a way, but maybe it was the opposite all along. Maybe I was the one to say I wanted to be with him, and maybe I was the one who needed to stop running off and he was waiting for me.

I dunno, just a thought.

Feelin' Lucky

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 13:14:52 GMT

I am so glad that I'm not up there with the Average American, because the average household has about $7,000 of credit card debt.

Now, I used to have only $800 which I managed to pay off. Until they upped my limit. *cough*AndIrackeditupto$1500*cough* But I'm optimistic. I'm making about as much as I was last year when I was on salary, however I keep forgetting the cost of living out here. $595 for rent, $20 for utilities, $70 for my car insurance. As opposed to $690 for rent, $70-80 for utilities, and $90 for car insurance. Oh, and out here I don't have to pay taxes on food.

And I wanna move back to Florida. Am I crazy?

PS - please help, I can't think of anything to do with my life right now except compulsively checking my email and writing in my LJ. Although I did clean up the living room and do my laundry last night...

I'm a bad girl

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 19:50:27 GMT

You know that guy that was annoying me because every time I hang out with him it feels like a date? Well he called yesterday and I didn't answer and I'm not planning on calling him back.

This makes me a bad passive-aggresive girl. But maybe he'll take the hint. I even downloaded Cake's "No Phone" ringtone just for him as a warning to myself. And I was thinking about setting up a CallerTune just for him from the author of "He's Just Not That Into You" which basically says "Dude, she's just not that into you. Get off the lawn. No, seriously dude, get off the lawn. You're creeping me out. Go home, order a pizza, cry into your pillow. You know how it is," but that would be just plain mean.

It's not like I'm going to change this behavior or anything. So why should I really beat myself up? Mostly because I think that all my guy friends out there are thinking "Rose, that's cold. Don't be 'that girl'."

Hey, at least I wrote Chris back when he emailed me. Again. Begging for me to come back. As if he's changed or even would change like he was saying he would. (Can you believe it? It's the most dysfuctional thing I've ever heard! It's what abusive and/or alcoholic or drug addict guys say to their codependent females when they leave them. This gives me much cause to shudder.) As if I want to play the "break-up make-up" game. (Another sign of dysfunction in most cases that I know of.) As if I haven't told him before that I'm wholly devoted to someone else and I'm not going to change my mind about it unless I have a damn good reason, which he is most definitely not.

Okay, I'm being overly harsh. Not everyone who says they'll change if only their girl will come back to them is dysfunctional. In fact, I'm sure that many of them are fairly stand-up gentlemen who either made a mistake or were mismatched to the wrong girl. And not everyone who breaks up and gets back together is dysfunctional either.

I'm just wishing that I hadn't attempted friendships and relationships with some of the people out here that I did. There's something off about them (not so much when I was dating Chris at first, but definitely after) that makes me very uncomfortable at times, and I'll get the feeling that I just shouldn't be here. This ranting is both honest annoyance and also my defense mechanism. I should be holding up a cross in front of my face or something and shouting "stay away!"

PS - I really should get away from my computer. I've been spending far too much time in front of it today.

Strange dreams

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 16:25:31 GMT

I dreamed last night that I was trying to make a weekend road trip to Athens, GA (as if I lived close enough to do so!). I had thought about telling Drew and Elanor through LJ, but decided to show up as a surprise instead. Upon the way I stopped at what first appeared to be an old grocery store (perhaps built in the 50's or 60's) but turned out to be some sort of hipster store/gathering place that was run by a much older woman than the hipsters that hung around. I thought "here is where the party is" and started laying out the party food I had brought along for the event. All the hipsters stared at me, confused. Slowly I realized that I wasn't in Athens at all, but decided to make the best of a "bad" situation. They ate my food greedily, but were incredibly rude to me, yelling at me in the parking lot about hating the war and other political things despite the fact that I had never said a word. I realized that I was dressed in my usual stylish work clothes and they had the ironic look of the homemade and the things you're supposed to have found in grandma's attic, which may have caused the misconception. But nonetheless I was rather put out by their unexplained meanness to me and I was considering going back home instead of attempting to finish the trek to Athens when I woke up.

I haven't had a clear enough dream to remember in a while, so I thought I would share. That and I think it was rather interesting in its own right.

On another note, this book is so me when I was a little girl! I may have to buy it to satisfy my inner child. (Although my canopy bed was white and lavender and sported a Holly Hobby bedspread.)

gasp I want!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 15:29:56 GMT

Everyone needs a towel.

Everyone also needs to learn how to make love and the art of kissing

And of course, every year I am compelled to repeat my favorite poem:

roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you
♥ ♥ ♥